Friday, April 8, 2011

Unbearable Distress!



How was your day at school? I asked.

My sister: Good. She replied.

And your friends? I added another question.


She paused for moments. During these moments I scanned her face precisely. The anguish on her face was extremely obvious. I was wondering what would make a kid at her age (almost 12 years old) grieve that much! Sounds like she did not get good marks? Or perhaps her teacher berated her deeply in front of her classmates? I was looking at her attentively to hear what’s wrong.


Then finally she broke the silence and started to talk. My friend’s home got burned days ago. They all survived except her youngest sister (two years old).She passed away. They all spent days in (intensive care) but her mother is still in there. I was scrutinizing her whilst she was talking, when the tears started to fill her eyes I interrupted her in order to cease her tears to shed. Actually I did not anticipate hearing sad news not really from her again!


And you reckless girl immediately wept when she told you what happened so she cried too. I said merrily then I chuckled. Suddenly she got irritated because of my response and the tears in her eyes faded away. I smiled because she did not truly cry, but to tell the truth I got so sad although I chuckled but it was faked one.


I attempted to shift the burden over her shoulders saying her friend must be grateful because her parents are still alive so everything is going to be fine. She nodded. Then another silence dominated the air in the room but for a long while.


What I heard from my sister took me back several years when a friend of mine told me her father passed away (May he rest in eternal pace) that moment still vivid in my mind when she started to weep silently while on the other side I was in a state of shock and disbelief. I did not shed a tear; I wasn’t able to utter a word. Not even tapped on her shoulder. I only took my sight away off her calmly. After a short time she composed herself together without my help. Although she was so young (almost 15) but she overcame her sorrows strongly. She was and still the same person I used to know outstanding, mature and cheerful.


Actually it’s not easy to hear bereavement especially for a kid at my sister’s age. One year ago two of her friends passed away. So, grief upon grief long after she can bear no more this time; she did not attend her school for two days. I am waiting for the time she left that burden behind. This is difficult, as children grieve differently from adults. Personally supporting people in general is so hard for me, I always avoid talking directly about sad feelings, I think it’s better to avoid discussing in order to protect people from the distressing details.


But hereI came across to hear how you support folks around you? Do you think expressing feelings truly comforts the inner pain? Do you agree with me that silnece is the best solution and the time can heal whatever within? Can you bear the moment when you see someone crying horifingly in fron of you? Though life sometimes turns crule but its magnificent gift!








36 التعليقات:

Blue Pearl said...

Your post is a real great eye opener. It's atough situation to be in, that is for the one who is grieving and equally for the one that is comforting. One can not always control tears because it is human and being in the comforter's shoe, its always a hard task because you have to think before you talk, firstly and secondly make sure that you don't push or hurt the griever even more. For me I cannot bear a persons pain, it often brings tears to me but when you standing there watching a person hurt, instinctly you know your task is to patiently pick up the pieces and heal the wound. We dont always know what to say but perhaps just being there is enough.

*hugs* Allahu feech 7abibti

bosnishmuslima said...

I completely disagree with you that silnece is the best solution and the time can heal whatever within! When you stay silent in a grief the feelings impound and fill every atom of your heart. It is important to speak that all out espacially for children who have so many questions as they are not able to understand and to carry with the situation. I think only then time can heal.
Bearing someone griefing it is really not easy to stand, but you always have to think that the situation of the griefer is so much worse in that moment and that he/she needs you in that moment, wheather to speak or just having someone to lean on.

Rationality said...

@Blue peal;
‘‘Its always a hard task because you have to think before you talk’’
Exactly, I don’t really hurt people especially the ones who suffer and rush to me to relieve them (sometimes I make fun of things at the same moment to take a breath), and I don’t weep as well because if I did that would make it worse. People in a deep distress do not demand our tears but they need a spiritual support to reduce what’s within. I consider myself as a source of strength so somehow that makes me cohesive or so quite at the moment.
“We dont always know what to say but perhaps just being there is enough” Yes, this what I think too, silence is stronger than words for me in such situation!
Ameen, Shokran. Allah ybarek feech too.

@bonishmuslima,
Yes, that’s so true when it comes to kids, because they don’t know how grieve properly, some kids turn aggressive because they don’t understand what’s going on. But don’t you think it’s different when it comes to adults!
Yes, they need someone to lean on but this ‘warm hug’ could bring more tears which is the thing I truly avoid and they should cease.
So glad to read your comments dears :)

Faisal Haji said...

What a touching story, but I would still suggest that the child should still speak her hearts out since any build up could lead to aggression, depression and/or anti-socialism. I am twice her age and still grief by calling my dearest friend and pour my heart out, there is a good feeling that accompanies that!

bosnishmuslima said...

When it comes to adults we have to use our instict by watching sensitivly the situation and react accordingly.
But in general I think that speaking out is the best method to free oneself. That's probably because of my german upbringing where we have been taught from earliest childhood to express our feelings and avoid aggregate emotions.

Rationality said...

@FH,
Ahlan:). Yes you're right. I asked her about her friend yesterday after bonishmuslima and you suggested that and yes she is absolutely fine. She said her friend is fine and her mom too alhamdlillah. This time my sister spoke differently and strongly FINALLY. We will pay them a visit soon insha'Allah that truly pleased her :). Btw you have tender heart don't let surroundings put a negative change on you:)

@bonishmuslima; I guess we adults respond differently. Personally when something grieved me I avoid talking about it, somehow when I speak I get worse feelings. I just stay around people I love silently, that makes me feel so good and i'm not alone. But the best spiritual cure for me is praying, when I kneel for Allah I pray for strength and mercy in order to ease what's within me. It works perfectly. Subhan Allah the prayer is the only thing that assures us Muslims and has the magical impact that easily heal any inner distress.

Hijabis On Ranting Tour. said...

Hey sis , first of all i love the way you write so vivid and detailed.

I am so sorry about what your susters friends family witnessed and your sisters sadness and you probably did a good job trying distract her, with my depending on how bad the situation is my answers will change for example i beleive that crying does in a way help it transfers your negative energy and your sadness to something else to simple tears your body shakes it all out, if someone died i would cry.

Whereas other situations which sadden me id probably distract myself from, try to cheer myself up. i also find it very awkward when someone cries in front of me, though i do touch their shoulder or something.

love
naz
xx

Rationality said...

@ Ahleeen naz :)
Glad you liked my way thanks sweetness :).

Yes, distraction is better than tears, actually I’m not against tears but I’m against weeping deeply the same way over and over again.
It’s so very awkward but when it comes we can’t elude unfortunately!

May Allah bless you and protect your loved ones for you. Thanks for your kind words sweetheart.
XX

Constructive Attitude said...

wow. i am so sorry to hear about your sister's friends situation. InshaAllah they will get through this <3

Rationality said...

@ CA;
Hello sweetheart :)
Insha'Allah they will and yes they are passing this ordeal, thanks for your kind words <3

Blue Pearl said...

What happened to you????

Rationality said...

@BP;
Hello sweetheart:)
Yes, many things happened during my absence. My grandpa's wife passed away days back, such a loss made us sorrowful but I'm fine now busy with life though I'm updating and reading all your lovely posts. You would see more of me this weekend insha'Allah.
Thanks a lot honey, your notice of my disappearance truly pleased me, I appreciate it " ginormous bear hug" thank you dearest.:)

Blue Pearl said...

aw im so glad to hear you're okay...I know you always come over to my blog every other day quiet early in the morning. Thats my way of knowing you're there/okay.

انّا للہ و انّا الیہ راجعون - Im most sorry to hear about the lost of your grandmother. May Allah grant her jannat and for you and the rest of the family, may you be patient in your healing, Inshallah.

*HUGS* love you tons

Rationality said...

Amen. Thanks for your caring and kind words sweetheart. Love you too..

Blue Pearl said...

You received the butterfly award tag, take a look here:

http://bluepearlfun.blogspot.com/2011/05/numbers-tags.html

congratulations, you deserve it:) I love your blog

bosnishmuslima said...

Just saw that you already got the butterfly award :D but just one more you can find here my dear: http://livingatthewrongsideoftheworld.blogspot.com/2011/05/butterfly-award.html

Hijabis On Ranting Tour. said...

ykhti weinchh? :)-inshallah you are fine :)
love
naz
x

Rationality said...

@ahlan sweetheart;
I'm fine thanks but my time is getting tight lately. I would drop by your page soon insha'Allah. Thanks a lot for asking hon you pleased me:)). xx

Blue Pearl said...

7abibti, where are you dear darling>? I miss you

Rationality said...

Hello my dearest<3.
Here and there so busy with life.
In sha'Allah I'll be around this week.
Miss you too 7bibti, you always make me happy " ginormous hug"

Constructive Attitude said...

hmmm where are you?

Blue Pearl said...

As long as you well, I am satisfied however having you around pleases me just more. *hugs back to you* come back soon beautiful!

Rationality said...

CA;
Here here but busy with life hon:)
BP;
Hello sweetheart. Thanks for asking 7bibti you always please me:)); miss you so much.

♥●• Izdiher·•●♥ said...

Amazing post .yes,I think expressing feelings truly comforts the inner pain but time is best healer .

Rationality said...

@ Izdihar; Yes, you're right; time always heals the inner wounds:). Glad you liked the post and so glad to read your comment :).
Welcome to my blog by the way:).

♥●• Izdiher·•●♥ said...

Oh don't embarrass me by thanks.It is really amazing . Hope you visit mine too.And follow it .

Take care .

Blue Pearl said...

Hala my darling, how are you? Miss you:) love and hugs


رمضان مبارك |
Ramadan Mubarak
اللهم بلغنا رمضان |
Oh Allah, allow us to witness the month of Ramadan

Rationality said...

Ya hala sweetheart :)).
Ramadan Mubarak
Ameen. May Allah accept all your prayers and fasting in Ramadan.
Thanks dearest you always please me.
Love you tons.

R.Larki said...

I haven't been here before
I like your words and this important topic to discuss
Speaking is the best solution even if you have no advice or recommendations. listening is the best support ..your sister will need you
my Regards

Blue Pearl said...

Eid mubarak my dear darling!!! thank you for your lovely messages on my blog. I just got back from vacation...love you tons. PS: How are you doing - had a nice Eid?

Rationality said...

R.Larki
So true, listening is a great support as well.
Glad to see you around.
Welcome to my blog BTW

Rationality said...

@BP, Long time no see hon!
So glad to hear from you. Really miss your presence. Hope you spent brilliant vacation. I'm pretty fine and my Eid was just amazing. Thanks for asking and dropping by.
Love you too sweetheart.

Blue Pearl said...

Love you tooo hon - yeah it seems we both went out of action!!!! What are you up to these days - why no post?

Rationality said...

Don't know, didn't feel like posting lately. And didn't find enough time in Ramadan" messy schedule". I will post one soon. Of course your comment will delight me. :)
Btw why you don't post so often like before. You used to be active blogger.

Blue Pearl said...

Hello darling, soo greatly please to see your comment today.. I really miss you. How are you? How was Eid? My side Eid was good el7umdulilla. Flew back home a few times and wok is keeping me soo busy that I don't have time or blogger anymore sadly. I'm soo loving this rain...hugs and love

Rationality said...

Hi there sweetheart.
I miss you so much, was wondering where is she coz you're always active more than me masha'Allh. I'm glad that you spent a wonderful eid and so delighted to see your comment over here asking about me. Well, my Eid was nice although some of my relatives were away to perform haj. I'm getting busy lately with such messy sechdual but I'm fine so Far thank Allah.
Thanks again for passing by hon.
Love you tons xoxo

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